Starting Over (Part 2 of 3): Letting Go

“One of the happiest moments ever is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change.” --Unknown

Emotional baggage is that stuff that hangs onto us as we move from situation to situation, relationship to relationship. It’s the emotional debris that is created by the mistakes we’ve made, the hurts we’ve endured, the stuff we’ve done, or that’s been done to us. It’s the mistrust and hurt that we carry with us wherever we go, the feelings we have about our past. And it’s almost always negative. Actually, it’s always used in a negative context. I’ve never heard anyone speak kindly of emotional baggage, or comment as though it were a good thing.

It’s a sad but true reality that we all come equipped with emotional baggage. We can’t avoid it, since we’re all born onto this planet, into the human race. We all carry it, and we all have to come face to face with it at some point. It’s also a reality that this baggage can, at best, make it difficult for us to function in a healthy way or, at worst, make it impossible for us to function at all. But when we are faced with starting over in any area, we have to deal with our emotional baggage and, if we are to move forward with any success, let it go.

As human beings, we seem to be wired to want to get out of pain. Actually, that makes a lot of sense, since pain is, well, painful. Who in their right mind would WANT to go through pain? So we do anything and everything that we can think of to avoid pain, even to the point of burying hurt and trauma and emotional pain, denying that it even exists. Unfortunately, when we do this, we also bury the lessons that can be learned from our pain. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned during my ____ number of years on this planet, it’s that there is ALWAYS a lesson to be learned from the pain. In fact, I WANT to know what the lesson is that I can learn; otherwise, the pain has been for nothing and it’s just painful.

Because there’s the secret--there is always a lesson to be learned, and you’d better find it if you ever want to get past the situation. Does this sound harsh? Perhaps. But it truly is the fastest way I have found to move through a situation and get to the, hopefully, brighter side.

“But what about the benefits of emotional baggage?” Benefits? There are benefits? Actually, yes, there are, and they are the reason that many of us are unwilling to address and get past the junk--because there are benefits to hanging on to it. First of all, we get sympathy. That’s right, sympathy. Even if we claim we don’t want sympathy--or pity--it’s an awfully powerful thing. If we give up the baggage, we are no longer entitled to the “victim’s rights” that are bestowed on us as the victim of whatever happened to us, including the right to be angry. Yes, I said we give up the right to stay angry about what happened. This is in no way saying that we have to declare that whatever happened was okay, just that we will gain nothing positive if we continue to be angry about it. Also, if we hang on to the junk, we don’t have to go through the pain of actually dealing with it. We may be in pain now, but the pain we know is better than the pain we don’t, right?

So how do we let go of this emotional baggage?

I think the answer is different for everyone, and the answers are as varied as the individuals themselves. For some, simply making a decision to put it behind may be enough. For others, therapy may be what is needed to understand the roots of the pain and find the right path to walk through and leave it in the past. For still others, a spiritual approach is the answer. Whatever your approach, it will be necessary to be willing to feel the pain, to accept the reality of whatever the situation is or was, and to let it go.

Letting go isn’t easy--in fact, I have found it to be one of the hardest parts of the whole process. But once it’s done, there is freedom to consider the endless possibilities in front of you. And doesn’t that sound inviting?